I started work today with the determination to keep God on my mind all the time.
It's like that: I dread work. I dread having to always have to fight for my own space, dread having to have to let myself be bullied around because I'm nice, dread being treated in contempt. I dread dragging myself out of bed to discover that I've woken up half an hour late, dread knowing that I had automatically in my sleep turned off my - get this - snooze alarm clock. That's right, the ones that actually require you to perform a relatively intelligent action before they shut up. I could probably brush my teeth while asleep too. The worst thing is the long hours you spend in the office holding up a nice facade, doing the office work now and then, and trying not to feel too ostracized by the rest of the herd. There's always the painful realization that I'm lonely, I'm the only one of my type there, I'm the smallest, and there's no one on my side. People are out to get you, people are out to take advantage of you, people are out to make you serve them, and in the process have you slowly kill yourself doing what's "right".

I wanted today to be different, I wanted God to be by my side all the time, my protector, my guard, the one to watch my back all the time and make things in the day well. I hadn't really tried that before, at least not on such a somewhat grand scale, and admittedly there was a temptation to do it all by myself again and just snap at anything that moves my way. I fought it off, and started the day off right by praying on my out. I can't remember what I prayed about, but I know I prayed for a taxi fast so that I can take it to the station and catch the train, and I did get a taxi. Missed the train though, had to wait another 7 minutes for it. I was dead stoned, land as I got on the train I prayed that God would give me a seat so that I can have some quiet time. That happened too, and I spent the rest of the trip listening to my homemade Christian music compilation and praying. I felt the presence of the Spirit, and I knew that it was there when time seemed to stretch and I seem to be spending more time with God than the 35 minutes the ride was supposed to take.

Today there was dread, but there was hope as well, in knowing and feeling the Lord besides me. This week is the week I was planning to fight for a transfer out of my camp, and after enquiring with God I had in mind a plan which I executed and got the desired result. Sounded simple, but you have to remember that we're dealing with quite a lot of red tape and corruption of the non-financial sense, and I was half expecting my plea to go dud again. I was so nervous I forgot my speech.... haha. I was that desperate to be posted out. I told the Lord that if I got posted out I would dedicate an hour of everyday to quiet time.

Nothing's really changed at work, but having the Lord by my side and knowing it helped my nerves quite a lot. I hated the office, dreaded the office, and disliked everything to do with it. I mentally choke when I think of the duty slots I have - they put me on a Sunday and Monday duty, one after another, which should by right not be legal, but well, no one bothers anyway. I hate living one week knowing that I'm going to be stuck for duty the next week at a difficult time.

I don't know what to expect tomorrow, but I'm clinging on to the Lord like mad, telling Him desperately that I really needed him, that I don't think I was going to make it through the remaining nineteen or so months in one piece. I guess the feeling of peace has not come yet, but the trust in the Lord certainly has; I know He's going to be around in the morning already.