God, Again
OKae, so here was I, broken and defeated for fighting too many wars for too long time, and I was just walking through life in a really anaesthetized shell, like, you know, I had a balloon wrapped around me, through which I could see and hear everything but nothing could touch me. And I figured that, the way things have been going, it might as well have been best if I could maybe spend the rest of my life in that balloon, apathetic to the things around me. I built within myself a fortress, high and strong and almighty, one I thought terrifying enough to challenge the situations and people and everything else around me, and I saw that it was good.
God didn't see it as good though. In fact, I fairly quickly realized after some time that the fortress had holes, and it wasn't perfect. Things were still creeping through even though I was pushing all that I could to hold out. I strained, and stretched, and finally things started to give way - I just couldn't hold everything out. In desperation, I pretended. I deceived the people who cared for me and loved me into thinking that everything was alright, and I bore hatred against people whom I shouldn't, just so that I had something to lash out at. I lost friends, I broke relationships, I even lost myself. I didn't remember who I was anymore, and I didn't really remember the things that God had said to and shown me, at least not most of it.
One day, it got too much. It felt like the world was pressing in, with such a force that I didn't feel like I could breathe very much longer. It was just too much, and I was facing a distinct possibility of mental and social suicide. I went out, walked around, lingered in my favourite garden for some time, and then I concluded that it was either the above mentioned fate, or going back to the God that I never realized that I had left unwittingly. So I cried out, mentally, for the God I knew who could so easily change lives and free the imprisoned with nothing more than just a word and heal the sick with nothing more than a gentle touch. I didn't fully believe that God could, or would, change the way things were now and make everything suddenly better, but I knew that He loved me very much and whatever happens, it's the faith that counted, and it's the faith that pleases Him, and there's nothing better for us humans to do than to please our God through obedience and doing what's right.
God answered my cry today, and I'm happier today than I have been for the past months and years. It felt like everything's suddenly better, and though I knew that circumstances and problems have not changed, there's just something different about the air, something different about myself, something that I could feel, a confidence and authority in the Lord that I've never really felt much of before. I feel like God is on my side, and He is pleased.
There's just so much more that I want to say, but I really need to update my own logs. You see, I just got back from my church's youth camp, and there's a lot of things to write about, so many things that I don't want to forget, so many things that God's told and showed me. Haha, the me here is such a stark contrast to the other blog that I have eh? Anyway, I'll keep posting as ideas come along.
God didn't see it as good though. In fact, I fairly quickly realized after some time that the fortress had holes, and it wasn't perfect. Things were still creeping through even though I was pushing all that I could to hold out. I strained, and stretched, and finally things started to give way - I just couldn't hold everything out. In desperation, I pretended. I deceived the people who cared for me and loved me into thinking that everything was alright, and I bore hatred against people whom I shouldn't, just so that I had something to lash out at. I lost friends, I broke relationships, I even lost myself. I didn't remember who I was anymore, and I didn't really remember the things that God had said to and shown me, at least not most of it.
One day, it got too much. It felt like the world was pressing in, with such a force that I didn't feel like I could breathe very much longer. It was just too much, and I was facing a distinct possibility of mental and social suicide. I went out, walked around, lingered in my favourite garden for some time, and then I concluded that it was either the above mentioned fate, or going back to the God that I never realized that I had left unwittingly. So I cried out, mentally, for the God I knew who could so easily change lives and free the imprisoned with nothing more than just a word and heal the sick with nothing more than a gentle touch. I didn't fully believe that God could, or would, change the way things were now and make everything suddenly better, but I knew that He loved me very much and whatever happens, it's the faith that counted, and it's the faith that pleases Him, and there's nothing better for us humans to do than to please our God through obedience and doing what's right.
God answered my cry today, and I'm happier today than I have been for the past months and years. It felt like everything's suddenly better, and though I knew that circumstances and problems have not changed, there's just something different about the air, something different about myself, something that I could feel, a confidence and authority in the Lord that I've never really felt much of before. I feel like God is on my side, and He is pleased.
There's just so much more that I want to say, but I really need to update my own logs. You see, I just got back from my church's youth camp, and there's a lot of things to write about, so many things that I don't want to forget, so many things that God's told and showed me. Haha, the me here is such a stark contrast to the other blog that I have eh? Anyway, I'll keep posting as ideas come along.
posted by Midnight | 5:36 AM
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